Why did I stay with my abuser for as long as I did?

[king]

We dated for four years and he was a nightmare. He abused me in every form possible from emotional, to verbal, and physically hitting me or shoving my down stairs, to even kicking me while I was on the floor. Our relationship was always his way. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, wear any light color clothing, or any makeup and I wasn't allowed to have a Facebook or any social media. In the duration of our relationship I've only met two of his friends in the beginning of when we began dating. I lost so much hair and weight that now I'm showing signs of balding and weigh 84 pounds. I broke up with him a month ago because I couldn't deal with his abuse. While I lost all my friends due to him, he went out and partied all night. He lied about where he was and what he was doing. He met up with ex girlfriends and argued with me over the most ridiculous things. I can't stand him and I can't help but hope that he will be miserable in his life.

I know there are SO many people out there much better then him. He thinks he is above everyone for reasons I have yet to find out. I know I'm not going back to him though being with someone for four years is a long time. I know being without him is for the best but I still need help getting over him.

Do you have advice on coping with a break up or stories of your abuser and your success story? I'd love to hear some motivation right now

I'm 20 and he's 21 btw

[freedom fighter]

Get professional counseling with domestic violence related issues and you will figure out why you stayed so long..you need to get yourself healed and back on track after being abused.
I divorced my now abusive ex husband..it was worth it..living abuse free is priceless.

[Rahul]

i answered the same question twice yesterday....and your question was exactly.in the same words....please read dat if u haven't it will help u for sure !!

[Rahul]

Get out of the relationship with whatever self-respect and dignity you have left. Youve allowed this person to mistreat and abuse you for the last four years, dont you think enough is enough? He sounds like a real jerk and the abuse is bound to get worse if you dont leave. If you dont get out real soon, who knows, you could snap and do something crazy only to make things worse for you. And dont worry about his life being miserable, karma will take care of that. So muster up whatever strength you have and be on your way to a happier life.

[N]

Oh Honey, youre sooooo so young. Im very sorry youve been through this. And I will tell you one thing (from experience), anyone who tells you that staying in an abusive relationship makes you weak, a coward, stupid, etc....well, theyve never been there. And thank God for that. I HAVE been there, and my wish is that no one else would ever have to go through it. Because of my experience, I probably understand you better than most...even if you dont give me a single detail...I already know what youve gone through.

Next...CONGRATULATIONS, you did it, you left! So very brave of you!!!

Heres what most people dont "get"...abusers are usually VERY charming...when they wanna be. This is how you fell in love with such a person. If on a first date a guy made comments that brought you to tears or slapped you in the face, well...you wouldnt have stood for that for a second! This type of abuse only occurs in relationships where the love (yours on to him) is alread established....and boy does that mess things up, right!

For whatever reason you didnt leave sooner....so what. You left now. Dont you listen to anyone who has critism, dont let anything but positivity and support into your head. Youve been dealing with all THAT for too long. NOW is the time to focus on you. You hit the reset button. Im certain it wasnt easy. I even know that you miss him (like Ive touched on, this is almost like a love triangle btwn you, the man you love...and the man he can "sometimes be", whom you hate).

I have a million things Id like to say to you, and if you wanna write me a personal message via email, plz do so; its not appropriate to do here, for all eyes to see.

In the meantime, lemme tell ya...the number one thing that will heal BOTH of you (heal you, teach him, really) is silence. You leave him be, and insist he do the same. Ignoring someone is the lowest thing you can do. It means you dont care about them AT ALL, anymore. I know this is not how you actually feel...but he doesnt need to know that. No one else does, really. Its time to make him suffer a lil. Youre a great young woman, he took advantage, he caused harm...he made his bed, time for him to go lie in it.

Trust me when I tell you....if you never again give him the time of day...it will eat him alive. The beauty is that, in the meantime, youre head is actually repairing (and preparing) itself. Thats great, bc when love comes along next time, youll be ready.

God Bless you Hun, and best wishes for the new year. PLEASE, please, make 2013 about YOU! Ya know what, even if you find yourself alone, hey, at least youre not crying. At least someone else is not dictating what kinda day/night youre going to have. You think of the freedom...and it brings a smile to your face.

Its tough, I know...but youve got this ma'dear, youll get there. Thank God you got out when you did. Very brave. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise :O)

[dana]

It's eerie that I saw your question, because I too was in a four year abusive relationship. It ended in September. Well to start off, you are very strong for leaving him. Most women like us end up dead or in jail because of their abusers. Mine was abusive and a cheater. I'm sure yours was too. You must realize he wad never in love with you. If someone abuses you they do not love you. Love is not pain. They loved having sex with you, they loved controlling you, and they loved taking everything from you. Now you must let all that go and move foward. Do not date again until you have truly healed and learned your lesson. Take responsibility for the fact that you choose to stay with him. Don't worry about what's wrong with him, worry about what's wrong with you to stay so long. Personally I did not love or respect myself. That's why I allowed myself to be treated that way. I thought I wad worthless and not worthy of him. But since finding God and Lord Jesus Christ, I am slowly recovering. Your healing will start with the man above. That's where my healing came from. Now, in only a few months I have changed 100%. You can too. Never look back.

For some additional reading to help you understand why and how go to this website, he offers sound advice: http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/index.html

[Kathy]

many women are in this category and why they stay I'm not sure. I was one of them. Get counseling.

[Hope 123]

you did the first step you left him.you are a very strong women to do this , some women are in this situation cant seem to get there self's out,8 year ago I was in an a abusive relationship , in the abuse for 7 years, it seemed like every-time i wanted to leave i couldn't,I was in a sick relationship,i was afraid for my life i was scared to leave, until one night he hit me so hard I blacked out,when i awoke he said he was sorry and that he loved me and he begged me crying to forgive him, that night I Prayed and i Prayed hard, i wanted out of the relationship so Bad. The next day God answered my prayer, he had went out and done something that put him into Jail for 3 years i put an restating order on him he cant have no contact with me what so ever. I went to counseling,went to church i put myself around positive people, It only made me a stronger women ,God has a better plan for you in life, when ever you feel down pray,God is always there for us no matter what we do or go though in life he is there every step of the way, have Faith,Love,Hope.
God Bless you