You ever feel ticked at a friend because they minimize your problems and then capitalize on their own?

[Cinnamon]

I have a friend who I have been friends with for 15 years. We know each other well.

Well in gemeral.neither of us is the type to sit around and complain about our problems usually we talk about what we've been up to on a positive note, usually.

Well in general her life is kinda cruddy in regard to her mom being irresponsible and co dependent on her, who she doesnt cut off due too having teen brothers she is considering, and then she has a sis who an emotional basket case. I definetly see and recognize her stresses they are evident. When she previously lived with her mom to help her she would often come to my house to get a break and vaguely vent I was always happy for the company and to listen and rarely ever solcite advice based on I think its not my place. Other then that I am often listening to her talk about her social life (I dont really have as active a social life as she does basd on having kids and such, so I am happy to listen).

Well more recent the tables turned a bit and I went to her home and vented about some problems about my hubby and I. She literally changed the subject and was somewhat dismissive and rude pretty much aluding to how I don't have her magnitude of problems so some how mine aren't valid is how I felt. Not to sound rude but she is kinda a spinster type by her own declaration and int the most fortunate but some how I feel thats refelcted on me sometimes. She was kinda saying well at least this and at least that, I almost felt like she was trying to talk me into a bad situation cuz she doesnt want me on the market or something (I know sounds crazy). So I left with all my baggage but also feeling unheard or not relevant. But let it go. Cuz I was dealing with my other stuff.

Well then tonight a few days later I call her because we had plans tomorrow we needed to line up. My timing was skmply bad and she started unloading that in itself wasnt so horrible but then she started saying no body else our age has to carry their mother and sis and bros along the way and shes gotta.listen to all them other people whine when they are fortunate to have their own lives. Her tone was rude and I was pretty quite.

I feel kind of hurt. I feel she brushed my stuff off and minimized it. And then not only unloaded and vented about her stuff but used in comparison. All the while in general I am usually an ear and curtious.

It just almost seems that she is measuring who has merit in valid feelings based on who is most unfortunate. Are my feelings not valid just because I am not as hard up as her? Especially when its very rare I even speak about troubles.

Bummed I feel shes being selfish and rude maybe I am fortunate and have no claim in complaint tho when someones worse off then me. But considering the pendulum I think I should have the opportunity to express dis satisfaction and strife too. Everyone has problems not just her.
You are right Twin. I have mislabeled its become more and more clear. Mistook history and candid memories for two sided friendship.

Thanks Mabe.

Hydrabad good advice on meeting people who identify with me and I identyfy with more.

Thanks everyone else too good advice.

[JDog♥]

Yeah. Ive been with people like that they are like my pet peeve. If she's not gonna treat you the same way and listen to your problems like you did with hers then just stop listening and dont be friends with her. She can't just use people like that

[Kaitlin]

Tell her what you feel about her doing that, but don't forget to add that you do love love her, ect. Sometimes it builds up over time, and I believe you have the right to be frank with her, and tell her what she has been doing to make this problem.

[Mem O]

Yes, everybody does it..some people are just good listeners and some aren't. This is just the way people are. Think of it this way, who knows your problems better than you do? Nobody, because nobody else has lived every minute of your life to understand these problems the way you do. So even if your friend wasn't rude and was consoling and understanding, in her head, her problems are much much bigger than yours. Some people will be good listeners and give you a shoulder to cry on, some will be assholes like your friend (just kidding), but every person won't care about your problems like they care for their own. That's just how it is, your friend was just being upfront about it.

[Hydrabadchik]

Yep - I had a very, very similar situation. You may need to do two things. Make some new friends to widen your social circle - preferably other married parents. They won't replace her because you won't have the same history - but at least they may understand when you vent.

The other thing: Try talking to her and letting her know how you feel. She might once again dismiss what you say. In that case you could decide to simply change the subject when she complains. Or say to her: Please don't make me your shoulder to cry on when yours is not available to me.

You could also say to her - I'm sorry if your calculator tells you your pain is greater than mine. My calculator came up with different values.

[Mabe]

You said it, it's obvious your not going to beat her out in the bummed out section of life, and all you can do is let her know that, and ask her if just once with all her experience of being bummed out if she could listen, and offer some advice, so that it does give you a chance to vent, and you might be able to listen to what she has to say better, and not have your own problem on your mind. I hope this helps!

[Rebecca]

Your friend seems to be lacking in the empathy department. Some people are just like that. Everything is a competition, even the depth of our personal suffering. It's a form of narcissism that is all too prevalent, and probably has its roots in her codependant relationship with her mother. This is probably not the person you want to unburden yourself to. Your feelings are valid. Your frustration is justified. Just maybe pick a different friend to listen when you want to vent. I'd also set some boundaries as to how much of her garbage I would let into my head. She brings a lot of stuff on herself, because she gets the payoff of winning the woe is me competition. When you listen to that nonstop, you are feeding her sickness.

[?]

the level of honesty shareable is what define the level of friendship.

i have acquaintances i don't speak anything of consequence to. i have other friends i can get drunk and talk about women's names otherwise never allowed to be spoken.

it sounds like you have 'her' mislabeled. sorry, it sucks to be needing and discovering you mislabeled a "friend".