Looking for brutal honesty?

[Milly]

I'm 22, been writing pretty much all my life. So far only family has read my work and naturally they always like it. I would like to be a writer but I want honest opinions of my work. So here's a piece I've just finished. Its a Thriller from the POV of a killer and deals with his growing obsession for the woman trying to catch him.

They say everyone who looks through their family history should expect to find a secret sooner or later. But I don’t think they expect it to change their entire lives. Now the truth is out I can look back and see all kinds of subtle hints. Maybe there’s a bad gene, the germination of something ugly growing inside us like a tumour, killing off every inch of our humanity until we are just…hollow. Like a shell.

I was a pleasant child, used to collect for the church choir, had a little tin can on a string, never took a penny.


Everybody knew. My mother closed her eyes and looked away, my sister would shake her head and click her thick tongue and make delicate suggestions.
“Maybe you should get him some help.” or “maybe you should put him some place.”
Some place. She never did put me some place. But it might have been safer for everyone if she had.
Stupid Mommy. Stupid sweet, blinkered Mommy.


I’d found peace with who and what I was, I was not a bad person, I attended Church, said my prayers, gave to charity, I’d just…go a little insane sometimes we all do.

Okay, so I'm looking for a little more than just "It's terrible" or "It's amazing". The one who'll get full points will be the one who gives good feedback and honesty.

Thanks x
I wasn't expecting such good reviews, I was surprised.

Amy - I don't really have anything other than this forum I'm on called "The Word Cloud" I have half of the first chapter on there for crit. But you have to join to critique it, but you can still read it. http://writing-community.writersworkshop...topic/9313

[Taylor]

It is good you have all types of good vocabulary sentances and different writing features I would recommend sending one of your finished stories to a publisher it may not be what they're looking for but I think there's a high chance of them loving it...it's worth a try

Good luck

[Jonnie Comet]

What are you looking for, here? You can write-- not badly at all. That's clear. What advice do you want?

Here is one piece of advice-- stop giving your work to friends and family to read. They are your worst critics; unless they're literary critics by profession they won't give you any useful advice and may in fact convince you of what's not true. Start showing it to literature lecturers and other writers. Take their suggestions to heart (but not quite as gospel).

As far as the work--

I don't like the use of 'their' as a singular. It is not 'politically correct' to say, 'everyone who looks through his family history' but it is grammatically correct. (It's called the gender-nonspecific 'he'.) Let the pro-usage liberals be damned and use the language properly instead. It makes more sense.

'Church' is not capitalised by itself; as 'the Church' it usually is.

I liked your use of 'Stupid, sweet, blinkered Mommy' but put the comma in where I did.

Where is the rest of it? Keep going.

* * *

[Amy]

This is probably going to end up sounding insincere, but I don't think I've answered another writing question like this, the proof of which should be in the answers on my profile if you're really looking for honesty, but for now let's assume you're not as pedantic as I am:

This is the best thing I've ever read on Y!A. I've read a lot of these requests for feedback, and rarely have the heart to tell them it looked like the last ten things I read. Firstly, this is technically very well written - although it's first person, there's no "I" bomb, you convey information through anecdotal evidence and dialogue rather than exposition, and the tension builds even in the first few paragraphs.

I read the extract before the summary at the top, and was in such suspense that I had to respond with more questions. However, after reading that tagline, I'm a bit uncertain - it may just be that I don't have enough detail, though. I enjoyed the psychological element, the fact that your MC underplays these episodes. I'd really like to see more of that, rather than dry killing for the sake of the plot, the likes of which a thriller might lapse into. I'm also assuming there's more to the plot than just killing and trying not to get caught, which is a fairly standard pattern - though the dynamic of obsession with the woman who's trying to catch him intrigues me. Are the police not trying to do the same, though? What gives this woman the edge?

I also very much like the idea of the "subtle hints". I'd love to read more about this side of the story; perhaps through occasional flashbacks underpinning the main narrative.

Again, the fact that I have these questions means I'm interested, and I'd really like to know more of the story. I hope you have a decent narrative in mind, because your writing style is not just bearable, but enjoyable. I'd actually like to read more - if you'd be happy to leave a contact email (or even just a twitter account) in your rating of whichever answer you pick, or leave a request for me to do so in the comments, I'd be more than happy to read it.

Good luck, and keep on writing!

EDIT: Also, in your last sentence, you have two sentences (with two main verbs) in one, not separated into clauses - you can do this any number of ways you like, but it needs to be somewhere along the lines of "I'd just...go a little insane, sometimes. We all do", "go a little insane. Sometimes, we all do", or "Go a little insane sometimes; we all do". This could well be a typo, of course.

[Mickey]

It's not bad, but I don't like it.

I don't like first person narratives, and though I'm guessing this is written in the past tense it's coming across as a precognitive narration which bugs me.

There's not enough here for me to critique. You haven't got as far as communicating where or when this story is set, or the age or appearance of the protagonist.

As it is, honestly I'm not interested in reading further. Instead of trying to make your opening a hook, or making your character charismatic, I suggest you just get on with the story. At this point there's no reason for me to believe that your character's childhood is of any relevance.

I've noticed that a lot of young writers tend to make their characters as intellectual as they are and as a result their writing is pretentious. Sometimes understanding your characters means understanding that your characters don't understand themselves, so maybe tone down the self-analytical aspect of your protagonist, if you don't want to write in the third person.

[Brian]

I found it to be a little confusing because you seem to jump from one period to another without warning. Also some of your sentences are rather short and snappy and that interrupts the flow of the story. Short snappy sentences can and do work at times but I don't think that is the case here. You also start sentences with the word 'But' and that is incorrect as it is a conjunction and could actually be used to join the sentence it starts to the previous sentence.
Having said all that I do like the idea but I would suggest that you add a bit more information because at the moment we don't know who he is, where the story is taking place or why some of the neighbours thought that he should be given help or 'put someplace.' Remember that you are writing the story and therefore know what you are trying to say but you have to put that across to the reader. However I like the idea and you do have the ingredients for a good story. Print it off and read it out loud or get someone to read it to you and you will hear the things that need changing. I think that it is neither terrible or amazing but it is not bad at all. Good luck with your writing.