Cornell Essay Critique?

[Excessivehair918]

Here's my essay, I need some criticism and want to know if I answered the question the best way I could.

Question:Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

The eternal flame that grasps the light of knowledge knows no boundaries. It unlocks tales of sacrifice, ignites the passions of evil and closes the temptations of ignorance. Most importantly, knowledge - in its entire scope- is available to every region of the human universe. At Cornell University, the Cornellian is the torch urging to be lit by the limitless knowledge in the College of Arts and Sciences.
The art of cinema and its influence on me as a child was similar to the obsessions every kid has over Spider-Man or Toy Story. Everything I saw, I imitated – teaching me small, but lasting lessons on friendship and character. As I grew older, the way I interpreted cinema transformed, identical to the altering world around me. The cultural and political evolution that occurred in the beginning of the twenty first century around the world was revolutionary, but increased my own confusion and doubts. As I searched for an answer to the world’s speculations, I looked back at my childhood fascination – cinema. The question that is always asked, “Can film inspire social change?” certainly was in the corner of my mind. Historical and political cinema like Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond absolutely informed society about the difficulties in Africa, but could they inspire social change?
When my high school was developing a 5K Run to raise money to build a well in Uganda, I immediately signed up as the head in Media Advertising. I had to create videos that would inspire students to participate in the run; though the task seemed easy, however, I had to dive deeper into the purpose of cinema. I spent weeks producing a three minute short that incorporated elements of powerful emotion and story I had seen in international cinema like My Name Is Khan and Schindler’s List to motivate students. It seemed like I was initiating a social transformation in my own community – to inspire change. Inevitably though, in the process, I realized how cinema on both sides of the spectrum can manipulate society, like The Birth of a Nation and Triumph of the Will did in their respective years.
It is this passion of social change that motivates me to pursue a double major of Government and Film at the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University. Studying these two fields would help me base my ground in national public issues and the means to understand the drift of culture and its movement from one period of time to the next. Taking courses such as “Racial and Ethnic in Politics” and “Political Theory and Cinema”, while completing study abroad programs that would absorb me in an investigation of another culture, would build a foundation of new knowledge – and endless exploration into the political and cultural structure that holds each nation together. By using the programs in the College of Arts and Sciences, I can fathom the idea of progress and, more importantly, how progress can be controlled for the improvement of civilization.

[lalapine]

Your introduction is overly dramatic, particularly the first two sentences. You should write intelligently but not like you're pandering to an admissions committee. They literally have thousands of essays to read and you waste the whole first paragraph not answering their question. Cut the whole first paragraph.

Throughout the rest of your essay, you make a lot of statements that are vague and confusing.
"The cultural and political evolution that occurred in the beginning of the twenty first century around the world was revolutionary, but increased my own confusion and doubts." What does this mean? What evolution? Why were you confused?
"As I searched for an answer to the world’s speculations..." What speculations?
"The question that is always asked, “Can film inspire social change?” " Who asks this question? Film critics? Cornell professors? Pirates? When did they ask this? After the vague evolution?
Are you saying Blood Diamond made you participate in a fundraiser for Uganda?

Further, you need to strengthen the connective threads throughout your essay. The paragraph about the film you made for the 5K was the most coherent part because you're telling a story. The rest of it reads like a bunch of random sentences you strung together. Like the point about Birth of a Nation - it's a good point, but why is it placed after your 5K story? Is it something you specifically learned after the 5K? What did the 5K have to do with it?

"Studying these two fields would help me base my ground in national public issues and the means to understand the drift of culture and its movement from one period of time to the next." This sentence is not properly written. "base my ground" - what does that mean? Do you mean "create a base understanding"? Do you mean "strengthen my base"? And then the following part lacks parallel structure because you're missing a verb. Read the second half on its own and you'll see it doesn't make sense. "And the means to understand the drift of culture and its moment from one period of time to the next." You want Cornell to help you develop the means to understand.

"Taking courses such as “Racial and Ethnic in Politics” and “Political Theory and Cinema”, while completing study abroad programs that would absorb me in an investigation of another culture, would build a foundation of new knowledge – and endless exploration into the political and cultural structure that holds each nation together." First of all, the course is called Racial and Ethnic Politics in the US. Also, the comma should be before the quotation mark (as in "Political Theory and Cinema," ) and your use of "while" in "while completing study abroad programs" is incorrect as it implies that you would be doing that concurrently to taking those two courses - you can't take Cornell courses while studying abroad.

Your final statement in your final sentence is quite bothersome - are you saying that you want to control progress? Or that progress should be controlled by anyone? I think you may mean you want to influence progress or study progress - but to control progress is anti democratic and anti education.

You have good pieces but you really need to spend some time tightening up the connection between all the things you go over. I can see an overall theme but it's tenuous. Good luck.