Columbia University Supplement essay feedback?

[Alex]

The prompt asks to list a bunch of interests, then asks for an essay on why they are important to you. Aspects of the interests I listed are identifiable in the essay (Malcolm X, Kendrick Lamar, Flying Lotus).
Here is my essay, any feedback is seriously appreciated.

When juxtaposed with my environment, my ideologies are unorthodox. For seventeen years, I have lived in the black hole of Los Angeles, where culture is nonexistent and most aspects of life are frustratingly artless. My peers are asinine puppets, dancing along as told to by media and other social pressure. Critical thought and consequent individual decisions are rare. Only a few souls in this seemingly desolate hell have the power to stand up for their unique dispositions. And we strive for the forbidden: we crave the knowledge that everybody else is too frightened or too ignorant to see. As morals deteriorate, elaborate economic systems relapse and children die in poverty. Yet, political corruption index rates rise while it seems the majority of human existence is wrapped up in a superficial illusion of consumerism.

That being said, my interests reflect my personality. I was born into a bittersweet world that forced me to question the meaning behind social constructs like money and marriage: things that nobody else seemed to have to reflect on. I didn’t always have a bed to sleep in, or food on the table, or a Dad. Neither did Flying Lotus, Kendrick Lamar, or Malcolm X, and that’s why I base so much of my personality on their experiences: I can relate to them. When I hear that music, or read that phrase, I can feel it in my bones. I know that they haven’t been indoctrinated either. A mutual atmosphere of identifiable emotion exists that drifts between our conscious minds. We have all experienced the same struggle, questioned the same constructs. We all live for the same reason: we strive for the forbidden.

I posted this in Philosophy because I figured this is where I could find the most educated people.

[Paul]

Sir I too was born in less than perfect surrounds,the Manchester slums but I would never mention the fact in a application to a Uni nor allow it to colour my thoughts on life Yes question the meaning and the purpose of social constructs in a fair and responsible manner but reach no conclusions till you have the knowledge to do so which I take it is why you want to go to uni just tell them you wish to learn how to think not what bto think good luck Bye the way I now live in Sunny Queensland where I surf the gold coast and ski the Snowy mountains life is good do not let where you come from dictate where you are going

[hippie chick]

well, im not very smart, but i am 54, life has taught me a lot.- what i did like about ur essay, ... it was very strong, to the point, no bs, .... it is what it is, at least to the point as how u see it. im guessing the reason for the essay is to find out more about u, and u gave them that. what i FELT about u,while reading the essay, was strong person, could explain there self very well, educated, i also felt sadness for u. ( i will admit, this might be the mother or hippie in me) but its like nothing positive came out of ur experiences in life. u have seen the dark side, lived in the dark side, and nothing or nobody will persuade u to believe any differently. which sends a message to me of bad attitude. there has to be a way of putting some positive reflection in there. im in no way trying to say that ur life wasnt has bad as u say, but with bad there is always some good some where, a lesson learned, and example of someone acting out of the norm. .......honestly this is all a little above me, its just that i had a bad family life, i could pretty much say the same things u do, and it did take me a long time, to try to see thing more positively, to learn, to have the courage to be different, than what i grew up with. just my thoughts, for whatever they are worth.