What would YOU do in this Facebook situation ?

[jamie]

Back in early May, I was commenting on a post of my cousin's on Facebook. I ran into a 12th grade classmate who is also my cousin's friend. She and I then became friends on FB. Then later that night, I also ran into another guy classmate on one of her posts. He sent me a friend request and I accepted. We all three had a conversation there in the comments...talking about school days and catching up. We graduated in 1988, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. Over the next week or two, I commented a few times on some of that guy's posts and he and I had a couple of other conversations there in the comments between ourselves on his posts. Then all of a sudden, I received a message from him one day, only about 2 weeks after we'd become FB friends. His messages goes like this, from what I remember : "Hey, my wife is getting frustrated with all your comments so could you try to cut back on your comments ? I'm just tryin' to keep the peace. Thank you." WELL, I was shocked to have gotten a message like that ! I told him that I was sorry and that I guess I was maybe tryin' too hard to fit back into our old school crowd. I also told him that I never posted anything out of line with my comments and that I hope his wife also noticed that I posted a comment one time under a picture of he and her together and I told them how cute they were together. He replied to me and said to try and not take it personally, because it's just a mistrust, jealousy, and insecurities issue with his wife and that I just happened to be the one to stand out at the time (because I was his new friend of FB), and he told me not to worry about it and that I should be able to be friends and talk with whomever I want on FB. I told him that I didn't take it personally because she doesn't even know me at all and I haven't seen him in 21 years. I told him that it wasn't like I was throwing myself at him out there on the Facebook wall, LOL...and I asked him if he needed to de-friend me ? I asked him if I should just stop commenting on his posts altogether or gradually taper off ? He never addressed those quesitons and he never un-friended me. But I tried to make the best of it, although it hurt my feelings. I didn't point out to him but maybe should have...that perhaps his wife was "frustrated" with his comments to me in some of our conversations early on, where he brought up how he used to brush my hair in class (he sat behind me at one point) and he also mentioned that I was more talkative nowdays and that he always used to wonder why I was so quiet in class...and he told me...right there for all to see...that he wished he would have asked me why (back then) I was so quiet. This statement really moved me and I told him that I was so shy back then and he said he was shy, too...and I told him that I opened up a lot since school and he said he's glad that I came out of my shell. Well, maybe his wife saw that conversation and one where he was telling me that his dad used to beat him when he was little, but that we didn't have to ever go back to those younger days and we just had kind of a heart to heart conversation, but completely innocent. I do admit that I had a crush on this guy in school but he never knew it. Anyway...as the weeks went by, he stopped commenting on my posts or "liking" them, and so I did the same. Then eventually he would start liking some posts of mine now and then and so I returned the favor sometimes. Then it seems like whenever I would rarely comment on one of his posts, he would completely ignore it and he would "like" everyone else's comments except MINE. He did that a couple of times and things just started getting a little weird, and I wonder if he was getting paranoid that I might tell his wife about that message he sent me or tell some mutual friends...and so I finally got tired of feeling like a kid on the playground, made to sit on the bleachers and watch all the other kids play and have fun, while I am forbidden to play along... on Facebook, that is. I saw no point in our remaining friends on FB and I was tired of worrying about him and his wife not liking me for some crazy reasons. He and I started out having nice conversations and then he was rude to me in that message. It's not what he said or was asking, it was the rude way he said it that bothered me most. But recently I decided to un-friend him and block him and his wife so I couldn't see them anymore on Facebook...and they can't see me, either. I'm tired of the negative feelings the whole dramatic situation brought about...and now I wonder what he's thinking because I suddenly blocked him ? LOL...maybe he is relieved like me. What would you all have done if you had received a message like that from someone ? And you had not done anything to deserve it.
JENNIFER...thank you !! You certainly understand my point and I'm sorry you had to deal with your situation, too. Some people are just so defensive and strange. The thing is...that guy is well liked by so many and my heart went out to him...his mom died when he was three, and I liked and admired him until he sent me that message...and hurt my feelings. But even then, I actually found a way to try and make it work out peacefully until he started completely ignoring me. It was like a game...sometimes he would "like" my post, mostly a music video or something about food I cooked. But if I commented on his posts, ever...then he completely ignored it. Made me feel awful, and I don't even know why I let it get to me. I guess because I admired him and liked him as a friend and then he basically forbid me to comment on his stuff...meanwhile I had to watch a million other women friends of his comment...and so I just didn't like being singled out like that. Unfair !

[Whattodo?]

I would have blocked him sooner because I hate drama. Who cares what anyone thinks, it is in the past for a reason, move on.

[Jennifer]

I had a situation like that a few months ago and it really kind of crushed my spirit. I'm an introvert anyway and so when I open my mouth to say something, it's because I've tried to think over my word choices and I am trying to say something specific, not cause offense. Realizing of course that on Facebook, or even email and text, you can't always tell things like tone of voice (even with the use of emoticons), people do end up reading into an innocent statement something that was never intended.

The thing about Facebook in your situation, was that if it was in the comments section, it was available for everyone he knew to see...so obviously there was nothing untoward about it, certainly nothing "so" personal that it needed to be hidden and private messaged or something like that, so the jealousy factor was unwarranted. Jealousy rarely needs a logical motivation though, and she probably does have issues and he may have been trying to be respectful/mindful of that, which prompted him to message you what he did. Or...perhaps he's afraid of confrontation and it's his own issue, and that's why (illogically enough) he confronted you about it. Either way, I know how you feel. Here's someone who you don't have a lot of communication with, and there was nothing overtly offensive and yet the message implies that you'd done something wrong.

I don't know that people consciously think about it or not, but when you post stuff on Facebook, you're opening yourself up to comments from any and everyone who can see it, be they good or bad. If people want things to remain private or whatever, then Facebook is not the medium to be discussing them.

The thing that happened with me was that someone who "friended" me, who I only know from a different online forum (we have several friends in common), posted an artistic photo that he'd taken of the back of "someone's" head. I say "someone" because from the photo, you can't tell who it is, or even if it's a guy or girl, though the hair was cut very short. The person photographed had one of those gauged ear hole things, where there is just a giant hole instead of an earring, and they were standing on a roof somewhere with the US Capitol building in the distance. The photo was shot so that the Capitol way off in the distance was visible through the gauged ear hole. I made a comment to the effect that even though I don't really get excited for the ear hole look, I bet the US Capitol has never been photographed that way and that it was a great shot. No derogatory remarks about the person were said...plus who am I but some random person who none of this guy's other friends would know anyway? It was just a comment made on a photo posted.

Not two minutes later I had a private message from him asking me "could you delete your comment please". I was mortified because it was a no big deal comment (and I don't comment a lot as it is), and because it's "his" post and you can delete other people's comments from your posts at will, so why he felt the need to single me out to delete it myself, I don't know. I went ahead and deleted it and considered just restricting him or unfriending him or whatever, because now I'm thinking, "What other unsuspecting comment am I going to make that's going to be censored? I really don't know". I didn't end up doing that, but I don't comment on his stuff anymore, for the same reason. I would rather someone block/unfriend me than leave me on there and either ignore what I say or try to censor it. So I kind of know how you feel and understand why you did what you did. It just removes you from any potential for the situation to get even more weird/worse. Sorry it worked out that way.