I always feel alone, I hate myself, I role play on Facebook and I hardly talk to people in real life, help?

[Jacoblikesmetal]

I've always been a rather solitary person, and I tend to spend as much time by myself as possible, but, as much as I say I like it, I'm just hurting inside, I have been depressed/sad since February, when I accidentally joined a role playing community on Facebook by friending someone who posted on my Facebook page. After that I ended up slowly adding more of them and I had added about 100 of them by April. Then I started having feelings for someone on there and when I changed my relationship status my parents found out and deleted my account because I refused to get rid of her or the friends I had made, so I have been resentful ever since, and I have carried on regardless. It may also be worth mentioning that this role playing community is made up primarily of people role playing as furry fandom characters and dragons and I chose to role play as a dragon and I have been looking for a ‘mate’ or girlfriend on there for some time and I have had no luck, most of them didn’t last longer than a week, and it really hurts because inside I’m hoping to find someone I can maybe one day meet up with, but now I’ve been banned from roleplaying, I’ve been forced to do this in secret and right now I don’t see a way my parents will be convinced it is safe and let me carry on, because I have been lied to by a few people on there, the worst being my most recent ‘girlfriend’ on there which I thought was a Norwegian girl but it turned out to be another one of my friends making a fake account and talking to me through that, and he only came clean after a month, and I had really had got my hopes up and I was crushed to find out and now I feel stupid and unwanted and I am feeling like maybe I should give up because I don’t think there is anyone in my roleplaying community who actually wants me, but I don’t even talk to many of the roleplaying friends I have, the ones I do talk to I would consider good friends in real life because they do help me out and try to make me feel better, but I just feel worthless and talentless because I can’t draw like any of the friends I have there. I feel like there I have nothing that makes me desirable because I am also autistic and I find it really hard to ask anyone on there who might actually consider me. And it is also hard to find someone who is about the same age as me, so far I have tried 5 people, none of which have worked out, so I’m really disheartened from finding anyone, even though my closest friends on there try to cheer me up and tell me to keep trying. But I don’t know anymore, sometimes I go to bed and cry myself to sleep over my sadness, or dream about being alone, and when I get reminders all the time that I am alone and this hurts even more. And I often think that I don’t want to live anymore but suicide is stupid so I would never consider it. But I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, I don’t get out with friends, I don’t have a part time job and I’m doing A Levels now and every day I’m just feeling helpless and alone. The friends I have on there are telling me to be more confident, but I don’t think I have anything to be confident about, so my self-hatred is intensifying every day and I don’t see it getting any better, because I can’t tell my parents about this or I will get found out, and lose the new account I made and my friends and this will make everything worse. All I want is to find someone in my Facebook role playing community that likes me and maybe I could meet them someday, because I can’t ask people in real life because I’m too scared, so this is basically it, my only chance at finding someone, and I’m 16 and it’s really hard to find anyone on there who is genuinely 16 and not lying to me, and I’m not stupid enough to tell anyone on there my contact details unless I video call them and see they are telling the truth. So there you go, all I want is to find someone that loves me and wants to meet me someday… I'm just asking for advice, so please don't criticize or judge me, I just don't know where else to turn.

[Mel]

Wow. Okay well you've taken the first step in venting and let it all out so that's got to make you feel a little better I hope.

Your parents are an issue since they don't want you to role play but you feel that it's your only way of connecting with people so I think you should try talking to them properly and explain why it is important to you. Wouldn't it be better not to have to sneak around them?

As for finding love, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Meeting people online isn't the best thing because you can literally pretend to be anyone, especially on a role play page! As hard as it may be, I think you need to push yourself into going out and interacting with people a bit more so you have the chance to connect with someone properly. At your age, don't look for love online. If it happens that's great but you shouldn't invest all your hope and energy into that.

I don't know what form of autism you have but as my brother is autistic I do have somewhat of an understanding of how hard it can be when you are just that little bit different to the people you want to connect with. I think counseling would be beneficial for you, not only so you can talk to someone in person and vent but also because they may be able to help you rediscover how to meet people in the real world.

Don't hate yourself sweetheart. I've been there for so many years and I have to say we are all our own biggest critics. If you want to learn to draw better, practice! Watch tutorials or ask friends for advice. You could find some art groups and make another group of friends as you all try to improve together. If you have time, a part time job or some volunteer work would also be beneficial. What if you volunteer for a youth group? It might be a chance to mix with people your age.

If you take anything from what I've said, I hope it leads to you talking with your parents and maybe even letting them know how bad you're feeling. Let them help you.

Good luck!

[SteveO]

Sounds like you need to get over your fear of meeting people and just talk to people and make real-life friends outside of Facebook. It might also help to get some anti-depressants and see a psychologist.