grade my sat practice essay?

[Eman]

i think it is graded 1-6 6 being best.
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.

Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"

Assignment:

Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.


my essay( unedited just how i did it)
Self expression is widely accepted and traditional in today's society. A child develops through the environment that he was born upon. Through examples in the media, movies, and personal experiences lack of privacy can lead to dangerous and negative behaviors. Privacy is important to the development and safety of a person. Celebrities who begin their careers at an early age, students who post personal information on social networking sites, and even super human figures all exemplify the dangers of revealing personal information to others which causes harm and reinforce that point that people should make more of an effort to keep things private in order to insure safety.
Lindsey Lohan, made famous as a child protege in one of her earliest films "The Parent Trap" was introduced to the negative star life. As her fame increased her privacy didn't. Today Lindsey Lohan is known for her outrageous immature behavior. At an early age Lindsey lost her innocence due to 'working' like an adult. Her childhood was ruptured by the stresses of celebrity life that comes from the paparazzi or fans. Every move she took was watched and recorded, therefore she was unable to fully enjoy her childhood in which she tries to relive now through adulthood. This was caused from the lack pf privacy given to her. Rather than playing with other kids, she worked and her privacy was taken away from her resulting into negative behavior.
By putting personal information online one risks the chance of identity theft and bullying. With technology becoming more and more advanced personal information becomes easier to obtain. By putting something simple as your name and phone number on a social networking site someone is able to steal your identity. Protecting your privacy is the safest way to prevent this.
Spiderman, like most super heroes conceal themselves with a mask to protect their identity. They do so in order to have privacy. Spiderman saves many innocent people, but because he is disrupting the balance between good vs evil he becomes a target to death. But because of his super natural abilities the 'bad guys' are not able to get him and therefore turns to his loved ones. Spiderman protects his identity and loved ones by wearing a mask and keeping his identity as a secret.
Privacy is important to the safety and well being of person. Lack of privacy causes harm and influences bad behavior. Like Lindsey Lohan who is reliving her childhood now because she did not have the privacy when she was a kid, a person who got his identity stolen or spiderman who keeps a mask to protects his family, all different examples that show the importance of protecting privacy. People today should take better precautions to keep some things private to avoid the negative concrete affects it has on others

(i didnt have a lot of time so i wasant able to proofread or anything)

[SUN]

Good writing. However, I fail to see the connection between lack of privacy and negative behavior. You used a good example-but ask yourself how? and why? and when? does privacy affect behavior. Does it only work in kids? As for your spiderman example, that had no connection with your thesis- how does a lack of privacy lead to negative behavior? Also, remember your spaces and indents-they really help the reader understand.
(By the way: YOU DONT NEED THREE EXAMPLES. I feel like your essay would be stronger if your lohan example was more well developed and the other ones were deleted.)

I would grade a 4