i need to fix my essay feel free to jot down your ideal and recommendation?

[Ban]

I did not finish third body paragraph and conclusions. I need suggestion for them. Below is the essay prompt and essay
I believe social networking technology has changed our lives for the better, but at a cost. Social networking tools have made it nearly effortless for me to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. I can know what's on their minds (MySpace), who else they know (Facebook/LinkedIn), and even what they are doing at this very moment (Twitter). On the other hand, I'm not sure I need to know any of that.
Instant Messaging, e-mail, and voice-over-Internet-protocol has made it possible for me to be in touch with more people than I will ever meet in person, yet each one of those contacts often requires me to return a call, respond to an e-mail, or reply to an IM. The Outlook "Out of Office" flag doesn't stop the mail from coming, it just postpones the response. And there will come a time when we'll hold all our meetings on the Web, have truly immersive face-to-face video conversations, and experience a fusion of our real and cyber worlds when Second Life becomes second nature. We're just not there yet.
While all humans need to feel connected to each other or to some cause, there are also times when we simply want to disconnect, and disconnecting is becoming increasingly hard thanks to social networking technology. As one who was bitten early by the Blackberry bug, I can attest that the pull of these wireless electronic leashes is often too strong to resist. Today, we experience a feeling of isolation when our Internet connections go down, revealing just how dependent we've become on the connective power of the Web.
I remember one day a few years ago when our office phones and Internet stopped working. No e-mail, no voicemail, no Facebook, no Skype, and no Twitter. People came out of their offices and talked. I enjoyed that day.
Below is my essay:

In the article " Is Social Networking Good for Society?", Steve Chazin states that social networking technology has affected our own life negatively. Nowadays, people can easily keep in touch with each other by MySpace, Twitter, and Facebook. Furthermore, we rarely disconnect the internet, and talk to each other in person. The author concludes that we are living dependently on "the power of the web." I agree with the author that social networking technology has tremendously affected our self esteem and academic performance negatively, and increased the number case of cyber bullying.

First of all, social networking technology has changed our self esteem negatively. Since most of the conversation are took place on Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace, the users of social networking technology are really concerned about public evaluations, such as physical appearance, romantic attraction, and friendliness. According to the article "How Facebook Affects Your Self-Esteem," Molly Clayton states that social media is "a hall of mirror for women who base their self worth on their looks." For instance, my friend Maria spend two hours making up, taking pictures, and uploading her pictures on Facebook pages every day. In school, she keeps checking her Facebook pages to read some comments about her beauty and suggestion for find dating mate. Moreover, the users of social networking technology tend to polish their profiles which make them look talented, unique, and attractive. Because they are afraid of losing face in front of their online friends and want to maintain a closed friendships, they are likely to exaggerate beyond the truth and invent some interesting details. For example, when my friend James was seven grade in the middle school Brooklyn Bridge, he usually lied about his grades on Facebook to attract other girls. Two months after the day he lied about his grade on Facebook, people tend to isolate him from others because of his lying.

People may argue that social networking technology helps college and high school students to finish some research projects, writing assignments, and presentations. However, social networking technology has many adverse effects on academic performance of students. Nowadays, social networking has become an addiction and decreased the concentration of adolescents. Many researchers believe that social networking technology such as Facebook can distract the learning concentration. According to a study by Rosen, 50 percent of middle school, high school and college students check Facebook at least once during 15 minutes of study. Since they keep checking Facebook, students usually ignore and easily lose the concentration on the lesson plan. If students keep the habit of checking Facebook during study, it will eventually become addiction. For instance, my friends Ben spent hours checking comments on Facebook pages during school since he was a high school student of Andrew P. Hill. Now,

[LJ]

I really couldn't read this whole thing, it's so badly written!

However, there is no such school as Brooklyn Bridge Middle School. No school by that name, or any similar name, exists.

[Hailey Alber]

ok. so you seem to kind of just jot down what you wanted to write and i kinda like that idea. so:
1. try not to say i, me, you or anything like that to much in your essay.
2. you have a lot of run on sentences so try to shorten those and get rid of info you don't need.
3. try not to use false info if you can. tweaking things is ok to make your paper more interesting but what is the importance of boring false info.
4. try using stories or quotes as transition or topic sentences.(teachers love it!)

but all in all if you fix it more and try to spend like an hour here and 5 min there when spending time through the day to fix it, it will become an awesome paper.