Please grade my SAT essay!! (10 pts to best answer!!)?

[Johnny]

Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

When one is sworn-in in a court of law, they make an oath. The oath states that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" The reason why the courts make one say "the whole truth" is that if they are not telling the whole truth, they are, in fact, not telling the truth. The same principle applies in life. Privacy is the ball and chain that is holding back our morals that evoke change in society. This is evident throughout the upbringing of our nation and some of its current troubles.
One of society's greatest victories came in the twentieth century, when civil rights were being promoted. Ms. Rosa Parks, living in Montgomery, Alabama was one of the few people who incited the wave of civil rights activism in the United States. Her most famous episode occurred on a bus, where she as a black woman was forced to give up her seat to a Caucasian. When Parks refused to give up her seat to a Caucasian male, she was arrested. Her belief in self-expression helped initiate the most powerful and successful social movement in United States history. Had she decided to bite her tongue and swallow her anger, it is possible that the Civil Rights movement would not have been successful as it was. Thoughts and feelings are irrelevant until they are confessed.
The ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates, was renowned for his confession of profound thoughts and feelings. In Socrates' writing "Republic" he expresses his thoughts on the dysfunctional Greek democracy. He believed that some were more capable of governing others. While an absolute monarchy is diabolical, a republic of elected individuals is a more efficient substitute for an absolute democracy. The United States went on to adopt the ideas of Socrates and create our system of government: a republic. The United States' structure of government is highly acclaimed as one of the most stable and functional in the entire world. Had Socrates not been the outspoken philosopher that he was, his beautiful ideas would not have been expressed, and ultimately the idea of a republic would not have been born.
Although the United States’ government is considered structurally sound, many domestic issues plague the nation. One unfortunate issue on the rise is teen suicide. Teens are very emotionally unstable and are under constant pressure from the media and their peers. But often times a teen can avoid suicide by utilizing one of the many resources, such as telephone hotlines for depression. By continuing to be private about their lives, they are hindering themselves from a source of help. But the few suicide-bound teens that choose to be open call the hotlines and often avoid the calamity of suicide.
Self expression is the human’s greatest tool. J. David Velleman said, “People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings.” However, until one’s thoughts or feelings are shared with others, they are meaningless. The feelings might as well not exist at all.

[Kale]

You answered the question that they wanted but you didn't put your own personal opinion into it. Upon reading your essay it feels as if you writing this objectively instead of personally as it is prompted, you are asking to many what ifs. I recommend you put more of your personal opinion into. Remember the person reading your essay is probably reading hundreds write emotionally and straight to the prompt, which is a vital skill needed in college.