Desperate! Please help!: How do I get over this self-hatred?

[Nia Salanda]

I've done something horrible to a loved one in the past and it is weighing heavily on my soul.

A few years ago, I met a guy (we'll call him Nick) and we became really close friends then friends with benifits; (we did not use protection during sex and no disease was ever transmitted between the two of us.) After about 6 mnths of friendship I noticed that I was faling in love with him. Once I explained this to him he told me that my feelings were obvious but he didn't feel the same way. He said he just loved me but wasn't IN love with me and he wasn't ready for a relationship.

Still we remained as we were for a year. I stayed around figuring if he see's how much I truly love him he'll have no choice but to love me in the same way. Even though i knew he was seeing women other than myself, I actually thought I could make him fall in love ME?? This made things more tense between us and he'd do or say things deliberately to hurt my feelings, so I'd get the point, I guess.

So after a while, I started seeing this guy I'd known from work, (we'll call him Guy #2). We hit it off pretty well in the begining of our relationship. Before we started having sex, he insisted that we both get tested together, I agreed and we both tested negative for everything. I was already on birth control and he and I began having sex w/o protection. Later on in this relationship, I found out that he was physically abusive, a cheat and an alcoholic. And when we'd fight "Nick" was the one I'd run to security and comfort. We would have sex w/o protection.

After about 7 months of the relationship with Guy #2, I left. I was tired of being his personal punching bag, along with all of his other bullshit. Around this time, I'd call "Nick" and he wouldnt answer the phone, then when I called again, his number had changed. I was confused. I had lost contact with him totally. After a few days I wasn't feeling well so I wen't to the clinic. The test results showed that I had chlamydia and gonorrhea. I couldn't do anything but cry. I wasn't really crying because I was infected, I cried because at that moment I knew why "Nick" had changed his number. I cried because I had hurt someone that I truly loved and cared for. I was irrevocably in love with him.

That was a little over a year ago and I havent seen him since. I think about it everyday. I find myself feeling unworthy of any companionship or any good thing now. I havent had sex since I left the clinic that day. I feel dirty, (eventhough I am no longer infected), undeserving, stupid and ashamed of who I am.

How do I get over these feelings? They're taking a toll on me. I know what I did was terrible but how do I move on from this? I need some advice, please.

Please, no insults.

[gw]

I would talk with a counselor or therapist about it.......//
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"Nick" seems like a player...........//
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good luck.........//
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[Cat None]

Find a way to tell him you're sorry. If that doesn't work, try to do other things to get your mind off of him. Find a good hobby...

[Ariana Grande]

Nia, you have got to forgive yourself first. This sounds strange, but you have to tell yourself that you made a mistake, and you learnt from it, and now you know that is was wrong, and you didn't like what you did.
Tbh most people move on from a person that does not love them back, that is kind of normal. Sometimes when you have sex, it also means that you are unhappy or insecure. Try finding "Nick" online or do you have a friend who knows him? Maybe he did actually start to love you, but you were obviously with Guy #2.
"Nick" seems like a nice guy, and maybe try not to use him as a person that you run back to. I do not completely know why he changed his number exactly, he must have been very mad at you. It is hard to find someone again, did he have an email? Facebook account? Linked In? Sometimes you can find people that way.
But next time, if someone does not love you, try to remain calm and accept that, sometimes relationships do work out in the end. Try to find another man if nothing works, then you won't be thinking about him too often.

I hope this helped a bit
<3 Good luck