Is this creative writing article ok?

[xrai222]

So, for my English class we were asked to write an opinion piece on just about anything. Truth be told, I have no idea what I am doing-so I seek assistance.

It must be grammatically correct, have a controlled and crafted writing style, develop/sustain one or more central ideas, be structured correctly and use writing conventions accurately.

Constructive criticism please

Please also bear in mind that it is not finished, this is simply just a draft and the conclusion is also extremely unfinished.
So here goes:


Log off Generation Y and Log On to Reality?

Ask yourselves this, people of generation Y: when was the last time you logged on to your Facebook page? When was the last time you logged off? Nowadays, it’s as if we all feel the need to be connected with one another twenty-four seven; for this, social networking is the cat’s pyjamas.
From iPods to iMacs, granting access to such social networking sights is never a problem in this day and age. Hec, I even saw one kid logged on from his “Microwave”, whatever that’s supposed to be. Is the twenty-first century obsessed with social networking? Is this revolution in communication taking over our lives? Are we using social networking as an alternative reality? For those of you looking for an answer that’s quick and to the point, that answer is simple-yes.

You may have remembered you parents telling you that you’d end up with square eyes if you watched too much TV. Heads up guys, that rule doesn’t just apply for the big screen-it also applies to those smaller ones you spend so much time doing your so-called “socializing” on. Ok, so we all know that’s a tad high on the exaggeration scale, but believe it or not, logging on to Facebook is one of the first things that young people do as soon as they wake up-rise and shine, it’s Facebooking time. Parents and teachers alike may wonder why our heads are continuously in the clouds. Truth be told-it’s not. It’s just checked in to the world wide web- and it could be about to become a permanent resident…

So there I was, casually browsing the World Wide Web, when I stumbled across this: The ten levels of intimacy in a communication world. Believe it or not, number one is talking. Come on, you know the kind-the face-to-face, twentieth century, “old-school” kind. At number five you get the text message. Everyone (and when I mean everyone, I mean those typically under the age of 45) can do this in the privacy of their own phone. Tap on the buttons, compose a message, message sent: done! Rolling in at the peak of the scale you get the 140-character message, AKA: the Twitter Trend- dubbed the “SMS of the internet”. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find summing up a whole conversation in less than 150 characters to be pretty damn hard, but knowing me, I probably just talk too much.

Not only does the internet mess with our real lives, it also creates and manipulates our online personas. Forums, blogs, RPG’s-you name it-all of these internet goodies make up the recipe for our second selves. So cook up a storm; you can be whoever you want to be on the internet. If you wish to make people believe that you’re a 58-year-old man (although, I don’t know anyone who does, unless of course, you are a 58-year-old man), then on the internet, you can. Want to be Justin-Beiber for a day? You can do that too-at least until the truth is uncovered and the haters begin to hate. Anything is possible in the realm of the internet.

I know for a fact that social networking is a gateway to the cold, harsh land of procrastination. How many times have you heard yourself say “five more minutes, then I’ll do some homework”? Yes, probably too many to count, but don’t worry, you’re definitely not alone.

Should our generation log off the Internet and log on to reality?
Hec, it’s the twenty-first century for crying out loud. Harness the power of the Internet! There’s a whole world out there to explore!

*this article does not promote the impersonation of 19-year-old so-called heartthrobs.

[Em15]

Can I click a 'like' button here?! I think it's got a really good idea behind it, for certain. Try not to use the work 'hec' however... It's a little informal and the teacher might not like it very much. Spelling seems to be in order, for the most part. Put a hyphen in heart-throb. too many 't's make my eyes hurt! The whole article flows very nicely, the only problem I had was with your use of hyphens or dashes in the middle of some sentences...
**"Heads up guys, that rule doesn’t just apply for the big screen-it also applies to those smaller ones you spend so much time doing your so-called “socializing” on."** Some of the hyphens could easily be replaced with a comma and would be fine.
"Heads up guys, that rule doesn’t just apply for the big screen, it also applies to those smaller ones you spend so much time doing your so-called “socializing” on."
Good luck with writing your conclusion. I can't offer any ideas, this isn't my forte' really, but I wish you much luck with it

[Lincoln]

I had a whole paragraph explaining what you did right and wrong but hit backspace and wasn't selected onto the text, so that's gone; so I'll just say this:
Your two reasons before your conclusion, good concept, but poor execution, back it up with evidence, get an outside opinion or two from a friend and include it. The second reason is to dire, it'd be better to choose something more common that the common person could apply to themselves.
:
Get a counter argument and refute it; this makes your points seem much stronger in the face of scrutiny
:
You did fine in writing style and form, but the entry uses rather,, unusual phrases so that may need reworking.
:
Lastly your conclusion. this was ok in style but look at the paragraphs before it; they are telling you reasons why not to use the internet, and then for your last you basically make all of it irrelevant basically saying "let's use it anyways" this would be ok, if you toned down the arguments against it. My point being is your viewpoint took me by surprise given what you said against it, as the points before almost refuted it!

3/5 given the good style, but clean up your reasons, add evidence!!
Good luck!