Can't tell if i still love my ex?

[Jennifer]

I'm 19 years old. I this met guy 4 years back, we talked for like a month and then he proposed me like he really loves me and all. At that time I wasn't sure that I love him too but i liked him so I decided of giving us a chance. We stayed in a happy relationship for like 1 year. But after that things started to get bad. And one day he fought with me like hell for talking to a male friend, though that talk was just regarding some issues happened back at school. I convinced him that I won't talk to that friend ever again if he doesn't like it. At that time he said okay. But after that day things got worst. He started ignoring my calls and texts at times. And when i used to ask why you’re ignoring my calls he used to answer very rudely, and used to insult me. At times he used to behave so aggressively. I tried to save our relationship but he was never willing to do so. So I decided to give us a break. But then he started blackmailing me through our pictures. That if I don't have sex him he will leak those pictures of us. Even he will show those pictures to my parents. So because of that mental torture I was forced to have sex with him. He forcefully had sex with me every time we met. I used to cry like hell but he never bothered as if that love thingy was just a drama. All that time he was just pretending that he loved me. Because that's not how you treat the person you love. And when I took a stand that I won't do that shit anymore he leaked those pictures on facebook. That was all he could do. And because of that fake profile i got so embarrassed in front of my friends.
But after that day things got better i didn't have anything to be scared of anymore.
It’s been months, now things are getting better.
And I know this will sound crazy but i still miss him. I want to hate him for what he has done to me but i CAN'T. And that's what is killing me. I just don't get it why I still visit his facebook every single day. Why I think of him every single day. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane, because that's not how a normal person would react to this.
I can't even talk to a friend about this because they'll think I'm going nuts or something. Because even i know that this is clearly insane. Help me..please..:'(

[i + i]

Saying it is insane is not helping your self esteem.
You very very much need the help of a counselor,
someone who is both impartial and trained in helping
you get through this. I suggest you find one as soon
as possible and talk it through with them. Good luck.