How do you know if your spouse is cheating?

[Diamond]

I've always felt like if my husband was cheating, I would just "know" or some how find out. I always thought snooping to find out was unnecessary. But, lately I've been wondering and when I sit back and think about things I realize some things that make me wonder if he is or has cheated.

One thing that really got me thinking was a couple of nights ago we somehow got in an argument about what was really considered "cheating" (can't remember how the conversation started) but he spent about an hour trying to convince me that having sex with someone else is not cheating. According to him it's only cheating if you have a "full blown 'relationship'". That got me wondering....'why is he trying to prove this?' Then I think about what time he gets off work, versus what time he actually comes home. I'm usually so tied up with our 3 year old that I don't really pay attention, but there can be a good 2 hours of a time gap.

Then on top of that he only works part time but often claims that he doesn't have time to look for more work. I work full time and have worked full time for at least the last 5 years and working full time has never stopped me from having time to look for a new job if I wanted/needed one. So that makes me wonder.... what is he doing with all this extra time??

He also keeps his phone locked with a password at all times and won't tell me what it is, so even if I need to use his phone I have to get him to unlock it and he claims he does that because I'm 'secretive and don't let him see my stuff', but I text all the time and he can go in any time he wants and look cause there's nothing but girl talk in mine. Then, he deleted me from his Facebook and says he did it because I added a guy that I dated back when I was a teenager, before we were married and says he hates the guy if I'm going to have him on my Facebook he doesn't want me on his.

I'm very suspicious of him trying to convince me that just having sex with someone with a "relationship" is not cheating because that really makes me think he has done that and feels it's ok. But how would I ever know for sure, other than catching him in the act???? I don't even see him on the phone or texting much where I would think he's talking to someone else.

[Toshiro]

Buy a blacklight (UV-A light) and check his used underwear. If its glowing from semen, you gotta wonder why and cheating becomes very, very likely.

[Jessica]

you know hes cheating we know he is cheating so what am I suppose to convince you of. I posted an fake ad on craigslist under m4m saying I was married looking for a fling. I got over 10 responses one guy said he was in a relationship and his gf was nosy so they had to be careful. you'd be surprised how men really think. they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Id bet my life that your bf is cheating on you. I guess its up to you what do you want to do?

[Dr. Stephanie]

Oh Oh ! A red flag just went up when you said he tried to convince you that having sex without a full relationship wasn't cheating. What? Of course it is. Add in a two hour time gap between when he ends work and arrives home? Two red flags. Has extra time because he's under employed and says he doesn't have time to look for a better job? Three red flags. Even if he isn't cheating, he's not pulling his weight. (This guy is sounding like a real winner, so far, and I've not read your inquiry to the end yet !) Hides his password? Keeps his phone locked? My flags are waving high and bright, here...
And the facebook business? His actions are screaming louder than his defensive words, honey. Unless he becomes more honest and open with you, with nothing to hide, you are living with a real live cheater, for sure. He is attacking you as a defense measure, don't you buy it. You tell him your expectations for an open, honest and monogamous relationship, and watch him attack in return, instead of agreeing to change things. Sure sounds like he's cheating to me. But, even if you don't know for sure, who wants to live with doubt and suspicion all the time?! Your relationship definitely needs some overhauling, but don't expect him to come over to your point of view any time soon. Best wishes and good luck, ~ Dr.S.

[Rhonda]

Yep I bet he is cheating. Too many red flags here, especially all the secrecy and trying to convince you having sex is not cheating. My ex-husband did all that stuff too and my family saw him coming out of a neighbourhood he had no business being in. I would not believe any of it until the day he never came home and I found out for sure then he was cheating. Course I filed for divorce as soon as I found out.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Owen E]

Just by the way he made this comment about having sex is not considered cheating I would say that would raise some red flags for anyone. Phone passwords should not be secret from the spouse that is a commonsense. Tell him if he has nothing to hide that he needs to give you his passwords ASAP!!!. Express to him that things he has said and how he never has time to find more work raises some questions about his faithfulness to you. If your man is not cheating or considering it I would be surprised. I would tell him that you need him home right after work no 2hr crap if you got the money hire a PI.

[Jery E]

so you've got yourself a husband w a part time job who doesn't have time to look for more work. well you certainly got someone who's extremely motivated haven't you?

[sewgoodmama]

He's a cheater. Move on.