Is it wrong that I can't forgive her?

[User27]

Please bare with me, I will make this as simple as possible. Even though its never simple.
My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 4. I know my Dad was hard on her (Army man with OCD and Depression) She told me he was no good and didn't love me and never wanted me. So when the custody hearing came (I was 5) I said I did not want to see him. I remember letters coming with my maintenance checks and my mum telling me and me being scared. I remember being so scared of my Dad because of all my mum said. She even told me he wasn't my Dad and she in fact had used a sperm donor...However the hospital with the files had burnt down. Bare in my Mind I was told all this when I was 6. I also remember her not letting me hug her to much as she felt it was 'Lesbian' I loved her so much when I was little, we never had money. We used to literally scrape by. Walked to school, never much food in the house but the bills always paid and roof over our head. When I was 8 she met a man at the hotel she was working in and bought him home the first date, I remember being so excited because he would bring me gifts and I asked my the Mum if he could be my Daddy. He moved in me...the next day. Then him and my mum would start having sex in front of me and encourage me to join (he never raped me, it was all indecent assault). i won't go into details...I knew it was wrong but wanted a Daddy, this happened 3 times. Then he asked to see my breasts when we were alone, I freaked out and told my Mum. She told me to stop trying to ruin her relationship and shut up. Did I want to lose another Dad? They had a son and the abuse continued...when me and him were alone. It was never systematic...it was always random. i never knew when it was coming. Finally when I was 11 my mum kicked him out...(an incident happened with my brother) a Social worker asked me if anything happened and I told them everything. (apart from him and my mum having sex and me being there) A court case happened and as the abuse was indecent there was no proof...my word against his. They needed my mums testimony of me telling her. She said she couldn't remember.It got acquitted.
She met another man a month after this case. Needless to say we didn't get on and would constantly fight...when I was 14 he told her to choose...me or him. She chose him and took me to social services who allowed me to live next door with my best friend. My mum prevented my brother from seeing me (he was 6) and when I finally did see him she had him convinced I left because I hated him. That killed me. Through all this I had my Grandparents. (My mums parents) and My nan told me my Dad was in fact my real Dad, he refused to go for the tests that were needed for my mum to get a sperm donor at that time.
Me and my mum were talking again when I was 17 and she finally divorced the other guy when I was 18.
She has tried to kill herself 3 times, with me always stopping her.
She never calls me to see how I am, just writes to me when she has an issue in her life...problems with my Grandad (my Grandad can't forgive her for many things and is disgusted she is his daughter) even when i lost my baby she didnt check up on me (i live in another country, but she didn't even call) Yet on Facebook and to others she talks about how perfect her children are and how much she loves us. it makes me feel sick. I feel its all lies. I've confronted her and she just claims to not remember much or says its all mistakes and shes not perfect. I'm married and it kills my husband when I get flashbacks (once a month) I can't even trust my husband. I have a constant feel he is lying to me over his past. I have no idea why i ams o obsessed with his past and past relationships (he swears he never loved before, it was sexual relations) but I can't get past it. I constantly feel he is lying.
I can't be around my mum to much. Yet I worry about her and pity her. i'm all mixed up I guess.
Is this normal? Or am I messed up? I'm 28 and feel I should be over all this already. Everybody comes to me with there problems and I try to see the good in everybody. But I feel everybody lies.

[Stephanie]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.

As someone who has suffered from abuse in the past, I can defiantly tell you that you are feeling normal. Some times Mother's turn a blind eye and pretend nothing happened because they don't want to be disgusted in themselves, so they rather run away - protect the family name, as it were.

If I were you, I would confront your Mother, once and for all. If she doesn't see what she's done, then I would give up on her. Having that constant reminder of your past can't do you any good, when you're trying to move forward in your life.

I think the next step for you would be to talk to your GP, explain about your flashbacks, he would refer you to your local Mental Health service, and you can get help. Talk things through and get coping methods. It's really not as bad as people make out, and if you don't like the person you're seeing, you can always ask to see someone else.

I always feel the same way with my partner, it's also normal to feel that way from what's happened to you - your perspective on love and care isn't confused because of the abuse.

I hope this has helped, and please, if you can, let me know how you get on. I have faith in you. Remember: you are not a victim, you are a SURVIVOR.

[Daniils]

It is okay to never forgive. I still can't forgive my mother for having sex with her boyfriend in the same room as me when I was 14, while she was still engaged to my real father!
Anyway she is a terrible mum, as much as she is your mother, she doesn't deserve you. You should stop answering her calls and socialize with your real friends more.

[XTIAN170174]

You actually seem quite resilient and rational. You are naturally affected by the past, because it happened - but not mixed up, just using your experience that happens to have been harrowing & traumatic...

If you wish to make progress, you could perhaps be sure to journal these events presently marring your life - to leave a page between so you can go back through it one month hence and make notes.
Some things will be repetitive - others will impose upon the new heretofore unaffected things - you will realise you cope well with some aspects of it, but it makes way for deeper, darker issues that swamp you.
The aim is to task yourself with including your life throughout - without losing to the flashback - to exclude the combination of the flashback and your negative reaction.