Will you read this preview of my book I'm writing and follow me on twitter?

[Karolee]

My twitter is jayjaden1



Here is the preview




  We arrive at the hospital. My mom Is crying, Maggie is crying, I'm trying to be a man but I'm still the wimp trying not to cry. My mom has no idea what to do in order to see him so I calmly walk p to the lady in the front of the front desk and ask can you please tell us where Mr.Ethan Vanders is located? Room 901 she replies with a smile and says but only 2 visitors at this time. I say well there can't be anyone here now is there?  Not that I know of she said. Well it's just me and my mom and my 4 year old sister he's my father. Well I guess we can make an exception since he is in very bad shape. She replies again.my eyes open really wide as I try to stay calm, my heart is pumping faster than a Porsche 911 can ever drive, I say thank you as I take my mom and sister as we find out ways through the emergency room hallways to room 901.  We Walk in as the curtains were already open. Hey dad I said as my mom starts crying uncontrollably. Maggie is screaming as she jumps out of my moms arms and runs towards my dad, she gets on the bed with him and lays down she's calm now. Thankfully Maggie is a very smart 4 year old. And when I say smart I mean unbelievably intelligent! What happened? my mom manages to say between her unstable whimpering as her hand is over her mouth and other hand on her hip. Well I was driving home from work then I got a call from Ethan (My eyes got the widest they have ever gotten as I knew this was going to be bad) I took my eyes off the road for literally less than two seconds to find my phone and I crashed into the car in front of me, I didn't see there was a red light Ethan shouldn't have called me. My mom gave me the biggest glare she has ever gave me before. My eyes got even wider. This is your fault she said! I don't even remember calling you dad it was an accident I promise I'm sorry it's not my fault I wasn't the one driving! Bullshit!! My dad yelled everything is always your fault your a ******* problem child you aren't going anywhere in life but I am I'm going to hell because when I get out of the hospital your *** is dead so I'm going to hell but I guess that also means your going to hell with me for doing this!!! So you are going somewhere HELL!!! He kept yelling as my mom started you can't even take care of yourself your father was right you are a problem child you little bipolar cutter, you cut yourself your a ******* phsyco!!! I just couldn't take it I began yelling **** you! **** you! **** you! I hate you!

[cathrl69]

No, sorry.

I suggest you start by reading up on paragraphs, dialogue punctuation, and use of tenses.

[luvgal21]

i don't really like when u wrote about him fighting with his dad. His dad couldn't be in a good enough shape to yell like that. And you really need to fix ur grammar. But i liked the beginning.

[JL]

None of this sounds like hospital procedure. Not believable.

[Becca White]

I would not read this, your grammar is incorrect, you need to stick with one tense, and you do not use proper punctuation.

Also, the last bit is confusing. I thought the dad was Ethan? But then it said"and ethan called me". Decide on the names. You need to use quotation marks and tell us who is talking. I thought the mom was telling what happened.

[Rebecca]

No. You really need to learn about punctuation, that was very difficult to follow. Also I find the characters to be stupid. Why would anyone blame an accident on the kid for calling? How was he supposed to know the dad was driving? It would be the dad's fault for picking up the phone... no one is forced to answer the phone while driving. The fight was completely over the top and if the dad was in such bad shape how was he even able to yell like that... No, I didn't like it at all.