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+--- Thread: How important is it to you to find your biological parents? (/thread-30955.html)
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- kidmindi - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
For me, finding my biological mother was VERY important. (I knew my bio dad had passed away)
I felt incomplete until I found my mother. It was something that I had to do.
It seemed impossible for me due to her lifestyle of never staying in one place long. But I found her when I was 18.
We have a great relationship now.
Other adoptees may not have the need to find their biological parents and that is totally their decision. It is different for everyone.
- durdenslabs - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
My husband thought it wasn't a big deal...until he found his mother and brother.
Now he wants to move to Georgia to be closer, spend more time with them, and get to know them better.
- Laura - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
i found my birth parents and it was so weird..they really wanted to be a proper family with me but it was too weird..they were strangers to me.
- Romany - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
For a long time finding them wasn't as important as finding out information about them. I couldn't bring myself to do an all-out search until I was ready to accept ALL of the possibilities including: death, rejection, indifference, poverty, smothering...
I'm pleased to report that I have found my mother, she's happy I found her and NONE of my fears have come to pass. Knowing that, I wish I'd tried harder to find her 20 years ago. But I didn't - so I'm happy I've gotten the chance to know her now.
BTW - it has NOTHING whatsoever to do with needing another "mommy". It is more about finding myself. If a mother-daughter relationship develops, that's great, but not a requirement. I have a great mom in my stepmom (my adoptive mom died 30+ years ago).
- Ranchmom1 - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
It was really important to me. In finding my first mom, I learned I'd never be able to find my biological dad and I'm sad about that, but I'm glad I do know my biological mom. It has filled in a lot of holes I didn't even know I had.
- wolfsingleton - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
My wife just found her family after 24 years even though she had been told they died. She never felt comfortable or accepted anywhere because she felt like she didn't know who she was. We found her biological parents, sister, brothers, nieces and nephews... even her grandmother! This was last week on Mother's Day and already she is non-stop on the phone because they all keep calling to talk to her. She finally is happy and feeling accepted for the first time at 30 years old. Yeah, I think finding your parents might be slightly important.
If you know your birthdate for sure and have a general region of where you were born, you can search old newspaper archives for that area's newspapers in the births section for the few weeks following your birthdate. Take that list of birth names (especially the parent names) and search with those. Start with phone listings in the area under those names and just call and ask if they are the parents of said child and state your goal of finding your birth parents. Cross off any names where the child stayed with them or info didn't match, etc. If you do not find success that way, move to searching the remaining names on social networks like myspace, facebook, etc. Whether you find your parents by now or not, your list of possibilities will be vastly narrowed down and will make any needed further searching much easier and more focused. I would advise that you write a small "speech" to follow when making calls/inquiries as it is quite easy to become emotional and draw a blank while talking! Good luck my friend.
- amyhpete - 11-09-2012 05:13 PM
It's not impossible. In many states, if you're over 18 and you write a real, snail mail letter to the adoption agency, they will at least keep your letter on file and if the bio-family also writes a letter they will arrange a meeting.
I don't regret finding my bio-mom, but it does hurt that she won't give me a real answer about my bio-dad, and that she never really did want a relationship with adult me. Most bio-moms are grieving the loss of a relationship with a baby and the loss of opportunity to raise a child. However, once in reunion, it's very difficult to come out and say that.
My bio-mom is consistent only in her playing hot and cold emotional games with me.
I have known many adult adoptees whose reunions have gone the same way.
Just a caution to others that while most reunions have the moment of the Oprah-esque tearful hug, the aftermath requires working through a lot of emotions.