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+--- Thread: Is it wrong for birth parents to track down kids they gave off for adoption on Facebook? (/thread-29117.html)
- carolinabelle - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
I see no issue with it at all. If the child wants no contact, then of course that should be respected, but leave the door open in case they change their mind. For those saying asks the child's parents.. adopters are not child parents.. sorry you only get one set of those in this life. They are merely caretakers for the child and should be grateful they got that privilege for 18 years. If you cant have a child of your own, tough its natures way of saying you are not meant to be a parent. Get over it, if you truly care about that child you coveted then you would not feel threatened when their parents contact them. Perhaps instead of playing house, come to reality that unless that child is of your own flesh and blood they are someone elses child. If they are with you it is because their mother was not able to care for them, coerced, or in some cases found unfit by the courts. But no matter what they are still that childs MOTHER. I have 0 relationship with my mum but she is still my MOTHER.
- AnonymousGuy - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
This happened with my brother, adopted as a baby, as the birthfather found him via Facebook. The birthfather is a good man and he had the best of intentions but my brother was 16 and it would have been handled much better had he gone to the agency and my brother's (mine also) parents (the adopted parents who raised him) and work out the best way it can be done. In the end they are close but the birthfather should have done it through the agency or a counselor as my brother and parents didn't even know who he was since the birthmother never described him during the adoption for privacy reasons so all that was known was that a birthfather existed. Five years later they are close though and the reunion was good, but contacting through facebook was a mistake.
- Amazing Grace - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
I can only speak for myself. I was given up at birth for adoption and I would not like it if my birth mother introduced herself on FB. I bear no ill feelings towards her but think it should be up to me if I want to seek her out and look her up on FB.
I have met my her now, but she contacted me thru the agency who contacted my Mom. I refused to met her for several years. My parents left this up to me to decide. I finally did meet her at my Mom's urging. And the meeting was okay. I didn't feel like a found of piece of myself but I never felt like one was missing like I have heard other adoptees say they have.
- LadyCatherine - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
do you object to the way they are finding them OR that they are trying to find that in the first place..?
- amyhpete - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
My biological family is full of addiction and abuse. No more obvious are the effects of this than in my three young cousins, born to my aunt who is several years younger than I am. They were taken away 8 years ago and placed together in an adoptive family who already had five adopted children.
Their biological mother and grandmother have always felt like victims and that they were put upon not getting to keep them, even as their bio-mother still follows around their beast of a father, who used to punish them by putting their heads in the toilet, and has been in prison several times for all the abuse an pain he has caused numerous people. Our bio-grandmother was so pleased with herself finding them on Facebook. After reuniting with several of us, one of the girls became overwhelmed and had this to say:
To all of my biological family. Im sorry but I don't want u contacting me anymore until I'm at least eighteen and when I'm of age I will decide if I even want to still. My explanation for this is I forgive u for all u have done but I can't forget how it has affected and hurt me so much. I may have been blood related but obviously god had other plans for me. Everything happens for a reason. Im sorry to tell u but I don't think of u as my true family. My mom and dad are Mike and Peggy M. And they will always be my true parents. They chose me. They took me in. They have never stopped loving me. They have never gave up on me. They gave me a home full of wonderful siblings and relatives. They are the best things that ever happened to me. And I would never think about replacing them. They gave me what none of you guys could. And I'm not who I used to be. I'm Annastacia Marie M. not Hannah anymore. I can't even think about ever wanting to go back to something less than I deserve. My family means so much to me. I couldn't ever ask for any other family in the world. We were meant to be together. It wasn't by accident either it was a choice god had made. He gave us a second chance in life to start over. I couldn't ask for anything more than I have. I hope u all understand.... I just can't live like that again. No one made me say this I chose to. Im hoping u get where I'm coming from. Anna M.
****
She is 17 years old and the middle child who spoke for her sisters as well. I think this is often how an underage child feels when she is "discovered" by her birth family.
- Candy Corn - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
"Track down"? Like a criminal? Jeez!
No, nothing wrong with family contacting family!
- RRSilverShadow - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
It's a good thing I was left on the steps of the orphanage back in China, that would just be creepy.
- Yellow - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
Here's the thing about Facebook: You are putting your information on the internet for the ENTIRE world to see. If a natural relative, or anyone finds you through Facebook, it's your own fault for putting it there! Yes there are security settings, but I still would not put anything on the internet that I wouldn't want others to see because once its there, it's there forever.
That being said, FB is a means for communication. You can always block the person if you don't want to speak to them. I think contact through FB is much less a "shock" than if they were standing on your doorstep. It's actually easier to say "no" online than in person, if that's what you want to do.
Personally, I found my brother on Facebook by chance, and know of many others who've found half siblings, natural relatives, ect. on Facebook. Whether you want to or not, it's nice to have a means of finding someone rather than paying a detective. Just my opinion.
- Cheri - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
They should wait until the child is 18 that way they are an adult. If they try to contact before then and it was not an open adoption they could face legal problems. It can also be emotionally damaging to the child. I know when I was a teen I was very emotional, I was adopted also. If my biological mother would have just showed up one day it would have really messed with my head and caused a lot more problems.
- Allie - 11-09-2012 01:33 PM
I'm adopted and i know whats it's like to be on the child end of it. Growing up i always wanted to know who my birth mother is and, where i got my hair and my eyes everything. The main question i wanted to know was why i was given up. if i was in that situation where my birth mom contacted me i would have so much emotions going on and, unless your adopted you wouldn't know what it would feel like. I would rather see her in person for the first time than on the internet. when your in person its real and, seeing her would help me to understand better and maybe feel national connection with her. Plus that might not be her you never know who's on the other side