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Help! with grammar?
04-08-2014, 09:23 PM
Post: #3
 
Here's a fixed version of it:

"One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three", I counted slowly and repeatedly in my head as I carefully cleansed my hands. The counting was - at this point - second nature to me; it was part of me.

I returned to the waiting area where I lowered my body onto a bench. I could feel the strong scent of incense, burned into the wood. As I waited for my parents to finish their monthly visit to the church psychologist, I couldn't help but think about the magazines that my sister had brought for me. Big bold letters read 'ANXIETY' and "OCD" with pictures of individuals in complete distress. Abruptly, my parents swung the door open and called for me to join them. After a moment I found myself being questioned by the psychologist. He asked a long series of questions about my habits of counting. Eventually, tears ran down my cheeks, like sprinkled holy water. The man slowly got out of his seat, hugged me and said a prayer that would break me. (I don't understand this sentence - "break me"? What?)

As the time dragged on I lost count since I was starting to fear being different. When I was six years old, religion and social media was not the right approach for my obsession. This was due to the fact that I understood neither and hence they never had a significant influence. As I grew older, however, I started to understand my faith and I suddenly realized the importance of those tears. They were the things that made me human, unlike the indifferent emptiness of the magazines' pages.

You've done a good job in general, except for a few problems such as incorrect sentence structure and usage of punctuation. Otherwise, it's fine. I'm curious as to what sort of research paper this is, though. If it's a scientific one, I would never use this as most scientists would consider it rambling religious superstition and quite frankly delusion. In a philosophical sense - it's better. I love the part about your tears making you human and the subtle suggestions of the magazines.

But be careful who you give it to, I would object to your religious, totalitarian undertones. The fact that your story seems based on the idea that the christian God is the one, true God. If I was your employer, I would see you as close-minded. That's just me being blunt though - great paper.
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Messages In This Thread
Help! with grammar? - Estefania - 04-08-2014, 09:17 PM
[] - Mircat - 04-08-2014, 09:19 PM
[] - Jakob - 04-08-2014 09:23 PM

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