My friend is in an emotionally and partially physically abusive relationship. Need of legal options asap.?

[Josh]

My friend is in an emotionally and partially physically abusive relationship. She met him when she was 16 years old, he was 25 at the time and they are engaged (6 months into the relationship). She is 100% controlled by his manipulation. I am her work friend and unfortunately work is the only place where she is relatively 'free' in comparison to everything else. Even when she has to go to the ladies room, she has to call him and update him about what's happening at work (any guys working, who, is it busy, who are you talking too etc..) I believe the reason for his behaviour is because he was cheated on by his previous wife and now he has to keep full control to prevent this happening again, obviously paranoia. She has once tried to end the relationship, fairly recently infact, but he became aggressive and violent so they are still together. What can I do legally (e.g. restraining order) to stop this unacceptable behaviour and let her continue her life. This has been going on for too long.

Thank you

[ashley]

In my opinion you should let her do as she pleases. I understand your trying to be a good friend and all but she has to do anything that involves her and her relationship with the guy and take it in her own hands. You can't be forced into a relationship, if she wanted to end it she'll put a restraining order by just calling the cops on him and eventually taking him to court to proceed with it. She's given him that right to be so controlling with her. Talk with her and let her know that she's the only one who can stop this relationship from getting any worse.

[?]

Well you cant do any thing until she is ready to leave him and not go back. She has to be the one to press charges or get a order telling him to keep away. I understand as a friend you are trying to help her out but it's her choice to stay with him. The only thing you can do is talk to her talk to her family members let them know whats going on . you can call the law but unless she wants out of t it will not do any good. If she wants out come up with a back up plan when he is at work and he thinks she at work or school have her miss a day pack her things have a few friends help and get her out of there but once again you cant make her do any thing she does not want to do. If she does want out then tell her to go with the plan then go to the cops to get the order on him. i hope this has helped and wish you and her the best of luck!

[Jenni]

unfortunately, I've been in an abusive relationship before. It can actually work out negatively for you if you raise the alarms, get the police around there or get a retraining order IF its unwanted by the both of them. Your friend may want it but she may be too scared to get it done-i know I certainly was. If you force things upon her it may even work out that she denies anything abusive happening and you feeling hurt and looking stupid. I say for the time being please do keep a close eye on the situation. It may actually help her if you started making notes of all the times that she comes in with bruises/incidents that happen. It would also be worth it to just let her know that if anything happens there ARE steps she can take and just encourage her to be more confident.

[Patricia]

You can't do anything. It's not your situation or relationship. She is the one who needs to take action.

[Grace]

Unfortunately you can't do anything in regards to the law. You can support her and talk to her about it. Ask her if she is willing to try leaving again, tell her that you will help her.
There are organisations who help women escape abusive relationships. Ask at your local police station if there are any in the area, give her a copy of the number to keep at work or keep in her phone under a female name. They organise everything to do with the escape as well as counselling. If she says no, then let it be and just be a support for her.
If she seems unsure or says yes then lay out a plan. I've read that everything needs to be in place before she leaves so he doesn't find out until after she's gone.

- Have a safe place for her to stay whether that be a battered womens shelter, your house. Somewhere he won't suspect though, probably not a family members house if he knows where they live.
- Set up a separate bank account, so on the day of the move she can transfer half into it.
- A new phone and phone number. Tell her to leave the phone at their house. But you will need to get all the apps like facebook etc. off the phone.
- She needs to block him on facebook and any other social media she's on and block any mutual friends with him. If she feels bad she can write them all a pm (copy/paste will be easier obviously), explaining the situation, that it's nothing personal against them, and that when it's all settled you will get back in contact.
- Get her off any joint insurances, bills, leases, credit cards. If they won't let her off, she may need to tell them the situation and see what they can do. If she can't get off the credit cards, then leave them cut up at the house.
- Possibly a different car or car pooling so he can't stalk her home from work.
- Counselling. She will probably need this before and after. Before will set her up for the way life will be for awhile as well as give her emotional support that she is doing the right thing, because she would be "trained" by him to think that she is dumb and can't do anything himself. After so she can maintain that strength to stay away.
- It needs to be a one day hit. She can't go back for anything after. He can't be there or suspect anything. Enlist the help of her friends or family to help quickly move her possessions out.

If there is an organisation in your area though then I would use them.
In the end you just need to be there for her. Escaping will never work if she doesn't want to do it 100%. Don't constantly tell her that she needs to leave or that she's making the wrong decision, that's his job. Be there, support her, get her help and gently ask about her leaving.