Why do I get upset & sad at the thought of my EX fiancee being with another woman?

[BRi]

We ended things 7 months ago, we were together for three years. He treated me terrible during our relationship, he lied repeatedly, cheated numerous of times & even hit me once. During our relationship I did not have the strength to leave, I just didn't feel as though I could get better or deserved better. Last August I was offered a job miles away in NYC I moved away & we maintained a long distance relationship in hopes that he would eventually find a job & move here, 7 months ago I found out that he was involved with another female for months, he was telling her that he loved her & that I was crazy & wouldn't leave him alone, it was all lies. He revealed to her some of the most personal details of our relationship, he even told her that I had a miscarriage & then went crazy, that hurt the most. I did have a miscarriage but I didn't go crazy, I tried to deal with it the best way I could it was a hard time, I couldn't believe that he would use my pain to get with another woman. When I found these things out I confronted him, he didn't deny anything he just turned everything around on me, called me terrible names & just ran. After that I never contacted him again, I put it in my mind that it was time to move on & that it was time that I realize that I deserve better. He has tried contacting me since then on numerous occasions, some times apologizing other times cursing me out, I have never once replied to him, I have changed my number, blocked & deleted him from all social media.

This past summer was one of the best summer's of my life, I have met great people experienced amazing things & have started to find myself, I have gone on dates but not a day goes by that I don't think about him & I don't think about the terrible things he did. He has contacted me & apologized, but I do not want his apology & of course I don't believe that he's sincere, I didn't even bother to respond. Why do I still think about him? Why do I still care if he's with another woman or moving on, he's pure evil. I loved him & was willing to do anything for us to work & it hurts that he could treat me this way, but I now know he didn't love me.

I want to forgive him & move on, I want to forgive him for myself, I don't want these thoughts & this pain to consume me anymore.

Thanks in advance! :-)

[Chris]

You need to forgive and forget. You'll be thinking of him a lot at first because, at one point, he was an integral part of your life. But as time moves on he will slowly fade into memory. The most destructive thing you could do would be to contact him again and bring him back into your life. Just realize you are in a new chapter of your life that doesn't involve him.

[Nancy M]

You need to stop thinking about the guy and you do deserve better than a man who is abusive to you. If you start to think about him & the terrible things that he has done then think about better things. If he wants to be a liar then that is his problem. Not yours. Be glad that you are no longer in is life. He could still be treating the other woman terrible like you. She could eventually find out what he is. Most men don't ever change for the better. I was also married to a man who had treated me terrible. I didn't think that I would ever get out but I did. My ex remarried and he also treated the other woman just like me. I really didn't care any more. I was happy to finally be out of the abuse I had went through.

[gale]

Hi Bri,

You know, your story reminds me of an article i read a couple of months ago about a subtle form of emotional abuse that called "gaslighting" which essentially consists of one partner calling another crazy or making them believe they are being unreasonable or even have something wrong with them for having perfectly normal reactions or concerns. Men do this alot to women, to a point where many women start justifying and defending being upset about something perfectly -upsetting- in fear of being labeled "crazy" by a man.

I'll tell you what, it sounds like you have a good thing going without him, especially this past summer, so try to focus on more things like these. Surround yourself with people and things that make you happy, not stressed and upset. Focus on building up your life and career, and yourself as a person. This will not only give you more self esteem but will also have a good chance of attracting the person who is RIGHT for you. He did not treat you well and never will... so believe me, no matter what you think, no person deserves to be with someone who humiliates or abuses them in any way. Alone is always better than this.

So then why do you think about him? Probably because you keep wondering what you did wrong to deserve this and what that other girl has that you dont to win his love. Short answer: Nothing! Problem is in him, not you, and I guarantee you he is treating any other girl the same way he treated you. Speaking from experience, these kinds of men don't change easily.

[Patrick]

Exs are exs for a reason. Its 2014 and you need new places and new faces. I left indiana a month ago for florida where its warm. Lifes all about the experiences both good and bad. Dont let it eat you and be glad hes someone elses problem.

[Another Crone]

Forgive yourself, dear. that's the method that works. And it is okay if you still feel pangs... it was YOUR dream that another woman is sharing with him now... but I bet she'll be unhappy herself before long. Which is too bad... still, forgive yourself for putting up with it so long. He doesn't need your forgiveness.. He needs nothing from you... forgive YOURSELF.