why do i torture myself?

[Miranda Jordan]

I split with my husband about 9 years ago....he left me for my friend and ended up marrying her. I had been married to him for over 20 years. Although I am now glad to be free and have turned out quite well off I still read his facebook page and get very down as he seems to make a big noise about how happy he is.....Why do I torture myself by looking....I know its stupid as I always get down and I have a nice life now myself and travel the world....Is it a case that some urts never go away or what......I see him out and about quite a bit and he always looks very guilty and ill at ease even though aia pretend I have not seen him. Please help someone....I do not want to keep on like this....Cheers guys........ L xxx

[SH.A]

I know how you feel, you try to tell yourself that you'll forget about him but in a second everything changes within you and you just have to see what he's doing, I think you have to accept the fact that he's happier now, and who cares, I know this sounds sometimes impossible but change your lifestyle dramatically, how about move countries . Do something that would make forgetting him easier. ( so you don't have to see him.

Hope this helps

[honey]

Block him on Facebook and any other forms of social media--all it does is prolong the pain. You need to focus on yourself to finish healing. Take a break from online for a few days or weeks, put down the electronic devices, and go enjoy the world and what it has to offer.

Consider taking up a new hobby, volunteering time at a homeless shelter, start walking/exercising more, form a book club in your neighborhood, etc. Just distract yourself with interesting things and it'll help in the long run, and expand your horizons. Best of luck!

[scenicjj]

Don't look at the page! Be kind to yourself. You need to let him go completely and move on.

[JL]

Start by realizing that 20 years is a big piece of your life, and you can't delete it like you can a facebook account. Then try practicing the final phase of grief, which is acceptance.

[Heather]

Hmmm, I think the reason you torture yourself by looking at his facebook although you know it is stupid and it makes you feel down, is that something is yet unresolved. Your post seems unemotional, detached and really not in proportion to what this person did. He disregarded you, your feelings for him, your loyalty to the marriage and married someone else, throwing away 20 years of your life and now seems happier than ever. That is not an unemotional event. Until this is resolved it is possible you will continue to check his facebook and be on the look out for him. The ideal solution would be to talk to him directly. It can be very cathartic to release pent up feelings simply by expressing them. If that is not possible, write it down. Get it all out on paper. After that if you feel finished then good but if you still find yourself looking for him, you will need to send him what you wrote or speak to him reading what you wrote. Your self torture is not self care. Take care of you - you deserve that.

[Deborah]

After 20+ years of being with someone you will want to know about them. I have been with my husband 26 years this February, so I understand. But I say if it makes you sad don't look into his life. Continue on with your life. Try and find the missing link(a spouse). Get into dating to enjoy your life. Friends and children take up some of the weight but to me everyone needs some affection by a spouse even if its not serious. Your allowing your mind to venture off into how happy he is without you. He probably looks at your Facebook also but only difference is he as someone to take his mind off of whatever he is thinking about you. Money don't buy complete happiness if you have no one there to share different times with
Remember that. Find you some happiness.

[Elvira]

Easy: focus on your own happiness and not on his.

If you love him...then you should want what is best for him so knowing that he is happy shouldn`t upset you.

Everytime you wanna check his facebook ask yourself: what do I have to gain out of this?

If you love yourself you will spare yourself from that unpleasant feeling in the stomach and you will have a tea instead.

If you love someone else, love him with all your attention.

If you are single...give your love to people and friends that you meet when you travel around the world.

You are fortunate and blessed.

Can`t you see it?

Leave the past behind.

The present is the only one that matters.

[Carol]

Sounds like you feel that friendship loss now...and being friends with an ex I can tell you some people I feel are meant to be in our lifes but not as lovers in any form.
Maybe you miss your friend his wife too, perhaps a "dinner at a restraint to work past the past would be the closure you need, just do not bring up the fact of the past or any feelings now other than that the friendship is missed by you. You can learn to adjust to being just friends. Or you might build a great friendship and then be able to close those doors and put then to rest allowing the friendships to fade as friendships often do.
Getting your old female friend on board is the way to go...trust me...appoligise and blame the past on youth and inexperience...that helps.

[robert x]

20 years is a long time to be with someone. its never going to be easy to get over a break up. May be the best thing for you to do is to find a new love who will distract your attention.