Should my husband allow me access to his passwords for email/facebook accounts?

[~leaving traces~]

I am just now getting out of an almost 12 year marriage that includes similiar behaviors, minus the drugs. My husband is severely addicted to porn, got on dating services, chats, had email flings with people, withholding sex from me, and tried to manipulate and to control me and who knows what else I'm not aware of until finally I decided that by not doing anything about this, I am a.) Sentencing myself to a life of hell by staying and b.) enabling him to do it to me because I'm not giving him consequences. It has been utter hell because I really have loved him with all of my heart. The best indicator of future behavior is repetitive past behavior. Take off the blinders. Stop making excuses for him to yourself, and what do you see? I think you know. If you can't trust him, you don't need him. That's what I've finally come to realize. Now, my husband is making comments that he's going to lose me, and that it's all his fault, and all of the things I have tried to tell him would make me leave if he did not change fell on deaf ears until I'm finally doing something, and I am FORCING myself to move forward, because I will NOT let someone treat me like this anymore. I have ONE life and to live it in pain, agony, distrust, and be hurt by the person who's supposed to love me the most is unacceptable. Change is scary, but sometimes a necessary evil. I have two feelings about access to his accounts. 1.) I think everyone needs something that is 'just theirs'. A space of their own. A little privacy. 2.) I think if he has nothing to hide he wouldn't care if you had access, AND 3.) I think that if you're that desperate to know what he's doing all the time because you don't trust him then it's time to think of who YOU are becoming and CHANGE it. You deserve someone to love you, be faithful to you, be honest with you, and do right by you. If he can't, then don't try to change him into someone he isn't, because you'll only end up hurt in the end and lose years of your life (like I did) by waiting on a miracle to take place and for him to "grow up and get what's really important and STOP". He's shown you what he's all about. The ball is in your court now. Deal with it, or get out of it. It's that simple, and hard at the same time I know...but life is short and you need to think about how your spending this precious gift (life) that has been placed in your hands. He's not worth it.

[Insanekite886]

If he has cheated on you in the past, then it's his job to put your mind at ease and do whatever he can to clean his sloppy @ss up. The fact that he has an issue with it, shows you he still has something to hide or doesn't care for you enough to make you happy. How hard is it to just do what he needs to do in order to make this relationship work? If it's as easy as handing over a password, that would be a dream and easy street for some. You are not asking for much. In fact, many therapists and counselors agree that after an affair or similar issue, the cheater must provide their whereabouts, passwords, account numbers, etc everything and anything until the other partner feels comfortable enough to trust them again. That's the LEAST they can do after screwing up. He's lucky you're still even with him. Sounds to me like he's taking full advantage of the fact that you haven't left him. He feels he can continue on this path and get away with it. Time to put the pressure on and see how much he really values this relationship. If he's willing to lose you over it then it doesn't say much about how he feels about you. The Vegas trips are an indication that he doesn't want to settle down yet. I wouldn't give him the credit of calling it a mid-life crisis. That's an excuse and a premature one at that (not even 40?) The fact is, he's not ready to settle down to a family life and accept he has 3 kids to help raise (his or not) Continue with the counseling but also start putting your foot down about his poor choices. You and your family deserve some respect. Don't let him walk all over you anymore. To me it sounds like he wishes to weasel out of the commitment, especially with this new baby. It is solidifying his "death sentence" (as he seems to see it) Show him how great family life can be. Make him want to come home.

[ingusmoen]

He's already proven himself untrustworthy, so I think you'll find little new to add to this situation. While I understand the "If you've got nothing to hide..." mentality, but at the same time that is tempered with the fact that asking them means you don't trust him, anyway, so what does he have to gain?

Forcing him to provide them simply means he'll start another FB account and another email you don't know about.

This is a sad situation, but I can't see the good that trying to rebuild this with him will do you. Ultimately, I don't think he wants to be married and this will simply continue to be pain in your life you don't need.

Good luck.

[PunkWithValues]

He doesn't deserve your trust. He lost that privilege when he began acting in distrustful ways and being secretive.

Checking out porn, giving you trickle truth about it?
TWO trips with pals (to vegas no less), and none w/you?
Drug use?

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Snoop his stuff. Now.
Check his phone when he's in bed.
Check his internet history usage. if he's been online and the history shows not as much use as you've seen click-throughs, he's either deleting history or using private browsing.
Find a way into his emails, etc. Android and IPhones have auto access apps. Check for dating apps on his phone, too.
Have friends help you by checking up on him. Is he where he said he would be, with the person he said he'd be with? If you can, you borrow a car to see what he's up to.

Also, Desktopshark has both phone and computer keyloggers and trackers...free and paid versions. Check into it (but delete yoru own browsing history.)

While you snoop, ask him nothing else about it. Just do it. No warning, nothing.

He is lying while you are in counseling. Based on that alone, I'd prepare to leave after giving him "everything he wants" emotionally (certainly not financially) for one month. Then leave and go totally no contact (set up your own financial reserves first though.)

Good luck to you!