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10-15-2012, 08:38 PM

My husband has deceived me and lied to me and snuck around behind my back multiple times in the past 2 years. We have been attending marriage counseling which he was gun-ho about until our therapist started telling him he was very wrong for certain things, i.e. sending our private i.m. conversations to his mom and emailing her details about our arguments, inviting her to our house during an argument to be a mediator. He has taken very private info to his friends as well and during my pregnancy a year ago I read through an i.m. history on our comp where he was telling his friend that it's good that he's working out because he might be on the market again. he is the step-father to my two children from a previous marriage and the father to my now one-year-old. just recently i found out that he did cocaine on a buddy trip that he took to las vegas for his birthday, with his friends, not his wife (his second las vegas trip in 6 months without me). our marriage counselor thinks if he has nothing to hide then he should allow me access to his passwords but that i should exhibit self-control by not trolling through his private business all the time. she says it creates a security where MUCH is lacking right now. i would like to save the marriage but i can't help but feel like he is constantly hiding things from me and lying to me. just last night i asked him if he's been looking at porn (our counselor thinks he has a slight addiction to it) and he said no. flat out - NO. then i said, are you sure? a moment later and he sat quiet for a second and said, maybe a little. the first three years of our relationship i had total access to his accounts and NEVER got into them but began snooping when at 6 months pregnant he pulled away and began staying out all night with his buddies drinking and telling me i was too clingy and that he needed space. i have no trust remaining but feel like if i had access to his accounts it would provide me with peace of mind. what do you think? again, our counselor thinks if he has nothing to hide that he should offer them up but that i shouldn't be checking them all the time to allow him his privacy. she also thinks he's trying to live a single life with all his single buddies and that the pregnancy has made him regress and that he's having an almost mid-life crisis @ 30.
sorry for the novel, but HELP!

The Dude · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

NO TRUST = DIVORCE!

Quincy · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

No, I don't think he should have to provide anyone with information he doesn't want to. Its irrelevant what the situation entails, he is a grown man, and you are not his mother. He is not required to answer to you or to be accountable to you, and it is highly inappropriate for you set these roles or guidelines into play.

If you don't trust him, work on it or leave. You don't need his passwords and such to do so.

pink_panther5432 · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

Because he's deceived you in the past, you should check out his facebook and email. If he doesn't give you the password, you can probably just "hack" in by on his email, hitting "forgot password" and answering the security question. Hopefully you know the answer or can find the answer. Then do a "forgot password send to email" for facebook. Hopefully this works.

Rocky · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

you know in your heart your ready, your just scared, are you going to let your fears allow you to remain stagnate just growing older, or do you want to seek something harder yet better to do with your life?

Jack Kiyl · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

Yes unless he's hiding things from you.No trust no relationship.Baby,Maybe this relationship isn't for you.You don't stand by someone who's regretting you.You deserve better.

Jan · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

Unlike the first answer that puts some of the blame on you, you aren't at fault for your lack of trust. He is. Trust is earned and he isn't earning it. Yes you should have access to his passwords. Someone who has nothing to hide hides nothing. Especially with his cheating history, he should want to be an open book. I guarantee you that the Las Vegas trip wasn't rated PG-13 or even R. He is a jack-donkey. Cut your losses, or you will be continue to be used by him. He is already playing you for a fool. Will you let him to continue, or do you deserve better.

Courtney · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

This is a personal decision that should be decided on between a husband and wife.

However, if you feel that you HAVE to have these passwords and if you feel that you HAVE to use them, then you obviously have no trust between the two of you and i have to question whether or not your marriage will even last.

If a couple wants to share their passwords and decide on that TOGETHER, i'm all for it. But if one is made to give their spouse their password or if it's demanded of them or if a spouse feels that they have to check their SO's email and facebook, then i don't really think they should be together at all.

You have reason not to trust him. He's really done nothing but deceive you lately. But do you really think snooping on him is the way to build that trust back up? If anything, he'll just resent you for needing to snoop on him. This is pretty much a no-win situation.

Sunshine · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

"i have no trust remaining but feel like if i had access to his accounts it would provide me with peace of mind. what do you think?"
Please just go. Do him and yourself a favour and leave.

sheloves_dablues · 10-15-2012, 08:46 PM

No. If you don't trust him, and don't feel that you can without forcing him to give up all privacy rights, you don't have a marriage, so what's the point.

Work on the REAL issues. Once you've resolved them, you'll have no reason to not treat him with dignity.