Please help im so fucking depressed about my friend?

[Sophia]

We were really close and best friends like forever. We told each other everything and he was the only person that truly understands me. We never dated but we always talked about our future together. Then we got in our very first fight and it was pretty big. We stopped talking for a week but then we texted again and it was never the same. So a week later we stopped talking and that was it. The last thing i told him was to go to hell. How the hell can i EVER forgive myself for that? I cant. I would do ANYTHING to talk to him just to tell him how i feel but i got rid of his number and email. I tried finding him on facebook, twitter everything. I got SO fustrated cuz i couldn't find him so i started cutting. Now al i do is keep my emotions bottled up inside me cuz all my friends think im moved on. Everyone thinks i have a perfect life, they dont fucking understand the pain i go through. I cant take it anymore. I cant sleep at night now so i just listen to our song on my ipod over and over and cry all night long. I have thought of suicide a million times. It gets harder every day. I see a rope i wanna hang myself. I see a lot of traffic, i wanna step in front of it. I sat in my bathroom floor holding my dads gun crying ready to pull the trigger. The only thing that stops me is him. I know he loves me still and maybe we can be together. But im tired of this shit, its not reality. Everone says get a boyfriend and ill feel better. I did that and it made it worse. He wasnt a boyfriend he was my BEST FRIEND. Nothing will change that. The pain is unbearable. I really dont wanna take my life but nothing good will ever come outa this. PLEASE what can i do to move on from him
He lives 1000 miles away now. He wont forgive me, i made his life hell, he was already depressed i made it worse. I dont even know if hes ALIVE anymore.

[SEDU]

go see him face to face and talk it over he'll forgive you